I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
