remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
