Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
