I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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