Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
