I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
