That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
