I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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