big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize