My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
