you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
