He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize