i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
tequila makes me forget i have legs
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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