WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
