better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
is that a dick in a sweater?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
