Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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