well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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