i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
