Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
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