Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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