Plan B is the new Plan A
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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