woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize