Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
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