So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
