So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You ate ashes out of my bong
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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