the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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