I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
It's rum buckets o'clock
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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