She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
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