you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
