Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I think my fart just growled at me.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
