dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
