Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
