A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Randomize
