90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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