Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
