A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize