No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
