I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize