If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
