how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
