Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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