Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
