I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
