Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Can I color on your dick again?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
