the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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