I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
