hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize
