Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
