your parents love me but you hate me
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
