Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
