I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
