I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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