She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
