They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
