I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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