I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
